What I liked: I like dinosaurs. I still like dinosaurs after this movie. I like that they specifically introduced dinosaurs with the best people eating potential regardless of plot, biology, or previous story line. I like that the Spinosaurus' nose is the exact right size to snuffle inside a downed airplane in search of juicy people snacks. I like that the Spinosaurus' response to biting an airplane in half is not "that wasn't delicious" but "I wonder if there are tiny bits of delicious inside." I like that the paleontologists had a 3D printed model of a velociraptor nose and that they learned how to play it and that they could play it correctly to communicate with the raptors. When I try speaking another language that, you know is designed for human mouths, it comes out all gibberish. When I try playing any instrument, it comes out sounding like a slide whistle (this could be one of the reasons that I favor the slide whistle). These protagonists successfully mastered the new instrument and new language thing. In one go. While about to be eaten by dinosaurs. I think the moral of this story is everyone should take paleontologists duck hunting with them, the duck calls will be so successful they will immediately be over run by ducks. Hitchcock would be jealous. I like that the satellite phone survived multiple Spinosaurus attacks. Forget making the whole airplane out of the black box, I doubt it survived the crushing, make the whole airplane out of satellite phone.
What I didn't: This movie has stolen the quote I used to describe the previous installment "the worst idea in the long sad history of bad ideas." These include but are not limited to: Parasailing over a dinosaur infested island, kidnapping, dinosaurnapping, living in an upsidedown water truck, chasing humans when there boxes full of chocolate bars, just staring at trapped humans, parasailing with dinosaurs, playing a bad flute with dinosaurs, carrying a dinosaur flute but not a survival kit when trapped on a dinosaur infested island, hiring fake mercenaries, being a fake mercenary, allowing paleontologists to issue military orders, an armed invasion of a dinosaur infested island, not shooting escaping dinosaurs during an armed invasion of a dinosaur island, hiding from dinosaurs in a stampeding herd of giant dinosaurs, etc. By this point Jurassic Park has devolved into a poorly executed monster movie with bad acting, dumb characters, and predictable jump scenes. There was potential in one scene that the dinosaurs intentionally lured the humans to be eaten by imitating a cell phone ring (birds imitating cellphones and crosswalk timers was kind of a big story in the 90s). Sadly they missed the opportunity to make everyone think of dinosaurs when they hear a phone ring.
Who should watch this? Probably no one. Unless you are thinking about watching Batman (1989). Then watch Jurassic Park III.
Would I watch it again? Nope. Of the now four Jurassic Park movies 1,2, and 4 are the best.
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