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Jungle Cruise

What I liked: I did like the ridiculous museum heist at the beginning and while the sneaking, prying, and stealing were impressive, what I was most astounded by was the extremely fast costume change. Also, if you were afraid that the puns you knew and loved from the original ride would be lost, do not despair! There are puns. Lots of puns. The jaguar fight was pretty cool, I mean who hasn't wanted to watch the Rock wrestle a jaguar? I liked the canoe elevator, impractical and surrounded by very poorly conceived attempts at redemption (I mean who came up with that and thought "yeah this is definitely a good idea"?). But the elevator was cool. I liked that the Rock gave off very Han Soloy vibes for most of the film. I like his tourist cruise and his hustles. 

What I didn't: This is the story of a trip on a river, but I think that the people who told the story do not know how rivers, or maybe water in general, work. For example the dilapidated boat is going upstream toward the source of the amazon and yet manages to tumble down rapids and almost get swept over a waterfall. So either the producers were unaware that water flows downhill or the tidal flux of the Amazon is INSANE and Canada should surrender its role as home of the reversing falls. Similarly, when draining the river the boat bobs happily in place just settling lower and not being swept out to sea with the rest of the water that flows down hill. Other trivial things like diverting the course of an enormous river with the flip of a lever indicate that the botanist missed her life calling as an engineer. The German submarine. Sailing up the Amazon river. I'm not actually sure why the Germans were involved other than that since Indiana Jones you can't have a treasure hunting movie without racing the Germans to locate the treasure. So forget all the cool booby traps and piranhas and anacondas and army ants that could definitely do a solid job of barring access to a treasure hidden in the jungle, our primary obstacle will be some very crazy Germans. I have missed the zombie pirates from Pirates of the Caribbean so it was fun to see them again albeit without the charisma of the original or the numbers. There are just 4 ineffective lack luster zombie pirates but at least the CG is good. Also why, when dealing with an immortal bee mummy would you think that the best plan would be to try and smash the bees? And if your daughter was going to die of a terrible plague and time is of the essence the best plan does not seem to be sailing across the world, embarking on a exploring expedition in search of a mythical healing flower, then trekking back out, and sailing back across the world. And for that matter why would you even try to create a sympathetic backstory for the conquistadors? 

Who should watch this? People who like terrible puns. People who like discount pirates. People who are very confused by the concept of a boat. 

Would I watch it again? No probably not

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Comments

  1. Sarah ChowSeptember 5, 2021 at 9:53 PM

    I am rather excited about this. I am disappointed that it was not terrible enough to be worth rewatching.

    ReplyDelete

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