Skip to main content

Jungle Cruise

What I liked: I did like the ridiculous museum heist at the beginning and while the sneaking, prying, and stealing were impressive, what I was most astounded by was the extremely fast costume change. Also, if you were afraid that the puns you knew and loved from the original ride would be lost, do not despair! There are puns. Lots of puns. The jaguar fight was pretty cool, I mean who hasn't wanted to watch the Rock wrestle a jaguar? I liked the canoe elevator, impractical and surrounded by very poorly conceived attempts at redemption (I mean who came up with that and thought "yeah this is definitely a good idea"?). But the elevator was cool. I liked that the Rock gave off very Han Soloy vibes for most of the film. I like his tourist cruise and his hustles. 

What I didn't: This is the story of a trip on a river, but I think that the people who told the story do not know how rivers, or maybe water in general, work. For example the dilapidated boat is going upstream toward the source of the amazon and yet manages to tumble down rapids and almost get swept over a waterfall. So either the producers were unaware that water flows downhill or the tidal flux of the Amazon is INSANE and Canada should surrender its role as home of the reversing falls. Similarly, when draining the river the boat bobs happily in place just settling lower and not being swept out to sea with the rest of the water that flows down hill. Other trivial things like diverting the course of an enormous river with the flip of a lever indicate that the botanist missed her life calling as an engineer. The German submarine. Sailing up the Amazon river. I'm not actually sure why the Germans were involved other than that since Indiana Jones you can't have a treasure hunting movie without racing the Germans to locate the treasure. So forget all the cool booby traps and piranhas and anacondas and army ants that could definitely do a solid job of barring access to a treasure hidden in the jungle, our primary obstacle will be some very crazy Germans. I have missed the zombie pirates from Pirates of the Caribbean so it was fun to see them again albeit without the charisma of the original or the numbers. There are just 4 ineffective lack luster zombie pirates but at least the CG is good. Also why, when dealing with an immortal bee mummy would you think that the best plan would be to try and smash the bees? And if your daughter was going to die of a terrible plague and time is of the essence the best plan does not seem to be sailing across the world, embarking on a exploring expedition in search of a mythical healing flower, then trekking back out, and sailing back across the world. And for that matter why would you even try to create a sympathetic backstory for the conquistadors? 

Who should watch this? People who like terrible puns. People who like discount pirates. People who are very confused by the concept of a boat. 

Would I watch it again? No probably not

Labels

Labels:

Comments

  1. Sarah ChowSeptember 5, 2021 at 9:53 PM

    I am rather excited about this. I am disappointed that it was not terrible enough to be worth rewatching.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Titanic

What I liked: Liked is definitely the wrong word for it but the scenes of the sinking of the Titanic were masterful. They were technologically impressive, apparently remarkably accurate, and emotionally gripping. The variety of ways in which different people dealt with a completely hopeless situation was both touching and thought provoking. Especially beautiful was the string quartet. In isolation from the love story, the sinking of the Titanic is a tragic reminder of the cost of hubris and the necessity of regulating emergency procedures and capacities. It carries similar gravitas as a war film. At the 25th anniversary of the film, I can appreciate how Titanic has impacted movies made later.  What I didn't: So here's the thing. I feel very bad for you if you died in the sinking of the Titanic. I feel less bad for you if you managed to get on a lifeboat on the Titanic and then decided to get off. I question all of your decision making and priorities if you decide to get off a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Ready Player One Review

What I liked: I bet all of the developers loved making this film, I saw so many video game and movie references in the background of scenes. I bet all the developers just inserted their favorites like the ninja turtles, a whole platoon of halo soldiers, and orcs. That it was a video game made it possible and exciting to have all kinds of absolutely random physics and logic defying things happen. Obviously, I loved the T. Rex and who would not enjoy seeing Mechagodzilla or a cyborg orc driving a monster truck? Early in the movie they made good use of the video game architecture in a way that reminded me a bit of secret rooms in super mario. The characters visit the world of the Shining, which was amazing and hilarious. I loved the variety of characters, vehicles and weapons that we get to see and it is more fun (at least for me) that they draw from more than strictly the 1980's. I also really liked the music, for the most part the selections were great for the scenes. The book was...
3 comments
Read more

Magnificent 7 Review

What I liked: All the gun slingers are ridiculous larger than life characters. Most of them were pretty fun and I think the actors probably had fun with the parts. And despite them all being ridiculous, I was pretty sold on the idea that if you wanted to raise a tiny mercenary army in the old west, this is probably about what you would come up with. For having a large number of principle characters and little time to spend on each of them, they did a good job of giving them personalities and interesting guessed at backstories. I liked the traps the good guys set and the explosions. The comic timing was pretty on point. It felt like an old western. Granted I haven't seen that many: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Shoot out at the OK Corral, Man from Snowy River (yes I know that one is Australian but I need to pad my numbers), Rango (too far?). To me the shots, plot, and characters seemed to fit into the Old Hollywood version of the wild west. The soundtrack was good. It would be...
Post a Comment
Read more