Skip to main content

Jungle Cruise

What I liked: I did like the ridiculous museum heist at the beginning and while the sneaking, prying, and stealing were impressive, what I was most astounded by was the extremely fast costume change. Also, if you were afraid that the puns you knew and loved from the original ride would be lost, do not despair! There are puns. Lots of puns. The jaguar fight was pretty cool, I mean who hasn't wanted to watch the Rock wrestle a jaguar? I liked the canoe elevator, impractical and surrounded by very poorly conceived attempts at redemption (I mean who came up with that and thought "yeah this is definitely a good idea"?). But the elevator was cool. I liked that the Rock gave off very Han Soloy vibes for most of the film. I like his tourist cruise and his hustles. 

What I didn't: This is the story of a trip on a river, but I think that the people who told the story do not know how rivers, or maybe water in general, work. For example the dilapidated boat is going upstream toward the source of the amazon and yet manages to tumble down rapids and almost get swept over a waterfall. So either the producers were unaware that water flows downhill or the tidal flux of the Amazon is INSANE and Canada should surrender its role as home of the reversing falls. Similarly, when draining the river the boat bobs happily in place just settling lower and not being swept out to sea with the rest of the water that flows down hill. Other trivial things like diverting the course of an enormous river with the flip of a lever indicate that the botanist missed her life calling as an engineer. The German submarine. Sailing up the Amazon river. I'm not actually sure why the Germans were involved other than that since Indiana Jones you can't have a treasure hunting movie without racing the Germans to locate the treasure. So forget all the cool booby traps and piranhas and anacondas and army ants that could definitely do a solid job of barring access to a treasure hidden in the jungle, our primary obstacle will be some very crazy Germans. I have missed the zombie pirates from Pirates of the Caribbean so it was fun to see them again albeit without the charisma of the original or the numbers. There are just 4 ineffective lack luster zombie pirates but at least the CG is good. Also why, when dealing with an immortal bee mummy would you think that the best plan would be to try and smash the bees? And if your daughter was going to die of a terrible plague and time is of the essence the best plan does not seem to be sailing across the world, embarking on a exploring expedition in search of a mythical healing flower, then trekking back out, and sailing back across the world. And for that matter why would you even try to create a sympathetic backstory for the conquistadors? 

Who should watch this? People who like terrible puns. People who like discount pirates. People who are very confused by the concept of a boat. 

Would I watch it again? No probably not

Comments

  1. I am rather excited about this. I am disappointed that it was not terrible enough to be worth rewatching.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ready Player One Review

What I liked: I bet all of the developers loved making this film, I saw so many video game and movie references in the background of scenes. I bet all the developers just inserted their favorites like the ninja turtles, a whole platoon of halo soldiers, and orcs. That it was a video game made it possible and exciting to have all kinds of absolutely random physics and logic defying things happen. Obviously, I loved the T. Rex and who would not enjoy seeing Mechagodzilla or a cyborg orc driving a monster truck? Early in the movie they made good use of the video game architecture in a way that reminded me a bit of secret rooms in super mario. The characters visit the world of the Shining, which was amazing and hilarious. I loved the variety of characters, vehicles and weapons that we get to see and it is more fun (at least for me) that they draw from more than strictly the 1980's. I also really liked the music, for the most part the selections were great for the scenes. The book was...

Fast and Furious 8 review

What I liked: This is the first Fast and Furious movie I have seen but I have watched a number of the trailers. They always teemed with absurdity. Now instead of a 3 minute trailer, I got to sit through an hour and a half of turbo powered sports cars saving the world. As you can imagine the list of things to like is quite long. The movie starts off strong with a car race in Havanah (I guess that US-Cuban relations are going really well if a FBI agent is having his honeymoon there). The reason for the car race was a bit complicated but essentially the main dude was trying to win back his cousin's car. In the course of the race he manages to light it on fire, explode it, and launch it into the ocean. But at least he won it back. I'm sure his cousin was very grateful. I also find it noteworthy that the race was 1 mile long and took 11 minutes to complete. The moral of this story is that while both racers are excellent at theatrics, they take safety seriously. After blowing up B...

Crazy Rich Asians

What I liked: One of the earliest scenes has a flurry of social media. I liked the way it was filmed and thought it was funny and effective. The best friend is remarkably well prepared for almost any eventuality. If she could fit her closet in a utility belt she would be a fashion batman. Without all the cool gadgets and fighting. Just clothes and accessories. Worst Batman ever. I liked her collection of outfits in her trunk. The whole family making dumplings together was surprisingly cute. Until it reminded me of the recent Pixar dumpling short . You can't unsee it now can you? Really, that short is this movie in about 5 minutes. So if you want to save your self some time... The mom is a very effective villain, I think she and Lady Tremaine would get along well. I liked the proposal scene. Of the whole movie this is the part the seems the most realistic. What I didn't: Ok even if we buy the "I just wanted to be a peasant and my true self with you" non-sense, unde...