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Uncharted

What I liked: I want whatever phone plan they have. This ranks in my wish list just below the centrifuge that CSI has. Their phones are awesome. They work internationally without problem. They work several stories under the city. They work without interruption on isolated desert islands. They work after being submerged for minutes at a time. And with the number of intense falls the characters take, they seem to be impervious to all kinds of impact damage. This is the phone I need. I also learned that I am a huge fan of 1500's shipbuilding and engineering. The structural integrity of those ships was spectacular and that all of the mechanics of the treasure hunt stood up surprisingly well to modernization (plumbing, electricity, subways, regrouting) throughout the city. I liked the chase scenes running across roof tops or weaving a helicopter carrying a 16th century ship through rock formations are cool, but what is the best way to top the stereotypical chase on top of a train? Why have a chase scene hanging out of a plane. I'm not sure how the plane managed to stay in the air at such low speeds that they could run and jump on it but it was pretty cool. The bad guys were standard evil bad guys but despite being fairly stereotypical, they still managed to surprise me. I liked the cat, this maybe my second favorite unexpected cats in recent action films. I liked Tom Holland as a bartender he was pretty good at the tossing things in the air thing. But possibly my favorite thing about this movie was that in true Indiana Jones fashion, they aren't very good at their job and their plans fail and they have to spend most of the time improvising. 

What I didn't: I have questions. Again where do they manage to get those henchmen? Like unquestioningly loyal...to whoever is talking to them apparently? And why did they open the cargo door? How did that make any sense? Did anyone consider at any point along the way that the archaeological finds might also be valuable? Like it might be easier and more cost efficient to capitalize on the perfectly preserved treasure hunt mechanisms than to finance the treasure hunt footing the bill for the boats and helicopters and henchmen and supplies to be snuck across the world. And WHY IS EVERYONE TOUCHING MANUSCRIPTS FROM THE 1500s WITH THEIR BARE HANDS? And the put post-its on it! That is not how you handle an artifact! Have you ever picked up a photograph from the 70s and it immediately disintegrates? All the clues would have been destroyed in the first day of these hooligans carrying them around. And gold is really heavy. Carrying it around in your pockets would probably make your pants fall down and is incredibly impractical. Also, as far as I know, the Philippines is a wet place, I have trouble believing that 500 year old gunpowder and fuses would still work. I know the film is based on a video game so it's probably intentional but a lot of the dialog sounds just like what an NPC will say to you to make you do a job in a video game. Finally and most importantly, how did they get the ships in the cave? There was a cave and they were in it because there is a picture on the map. How did they get there? Aliens? Sky-cranes? 12 years of digging? How did 18 people sail 3 massive ships did they have proto autopilot or something? How much do the ships weigh? An average ship from the era empty and dry weighed about 50x the maximal helicopter payload. I have so many boat questions.

Who should watch this? People who like ridiculous adventures. People who like the video game (presumably). Anyone with nautical or engineering knowledge who can answer my questions about the boats. NOT archivists, archaeologists, or people who know that really old things are often really fragile. 

Would I watch it again? Yes. 

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